How the company views its employees. (HE VS SHE)

1. The family picture is on HIS desk.
Ah, a solid, responsible family man.

The family picture is on HER desk.
Umm, her family will come before her career.

2. HIS desk is cluttered.
He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.

HER desk is cluttered.
She's obviously a disorganized scatterbrain

3. HE is talking with his co-workers.
He must be discussing the latest deal

SHE is talking with her co-workers.
She must be gossiping.

4. HE's not at his desk.
He must be at a meeting.

SHE's not at her desk.
She must be in the ladies' room.

5. HE's not in the office.
He's meeting with customers.

SHE's not in the office.
She must be out shopping.

6. HE's having lunch with the boss.
He's on his way up.

SHE's having lunch with the boss.
They must be having an affair.

7. The boss criticized HIM.
He'll improve his performance.

The boss criticized HER.
She'll be very upset.

8. HE got an unfair deal.
Did he get angry?

SHE got an unfair deal.
Did she cry?

9. HE's getting married.
He'll get more settled.

SHE's getting married.
She'll get pregnant and leave.

10. HE's having a baby.
He'll need a raise.

SHE's having a baby.
She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits.

11. HE's going on a business trip.
It's good for his career.

SHE's going on a business trip.
What does her husband say?

12. HE's leaving for a better job.
He knows how to recognize a good opportunity.

SHE's leaving for a better job.
Women are not dependable.

My kind of Doctor

I DON'T KNOW WHAT DOCTOR WROTE THIS, BUT I LIKE HIM!

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

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Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Seasons Greetings from the Legal Department

From me ("the wishor") to you ("the wishee") please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:-

a.. This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.

b.. This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

c.. This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.

d.. This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

e.. This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

f.. The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor. Any references in this greeting to "The Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Saviour", "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

This greeting is made under English Law.

South Africa Tourism

These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.


Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometers take lots of water...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)

A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not...oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)

A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA).

A: Anywhere where a significant number of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)

A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, but you will probably still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Who shot the lion?

A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkups. The doctor asked him how he a was feeling.

"I've never been better," the old man replied." I've got a twenty-year-old bride who's pregnant & is about to deliver a child. What is your opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked.

The doctor thought for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for hunting. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun”.

The doctor continued, "So he's walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he spots a lion in some bush in front of him. He rises up his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle. BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him."

“That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. "Someone else must have shot that lion."

"Exactly" Said the Doc...

Life in England in the 1500's

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all, the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, don’t throw the baby out with the Bath water...

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof when it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying. It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold...

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon.. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat...

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell. or was considered a ..Dead ringer.

And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

The Journey

I was waiting for that email for such a long time and that’s why the moment I saw that e-mail, I did two things. First I took a print-out of the mail and then I booked my ticket for the next flight to India. The e-mail contained a name and an address. That’s all – a name and an address.

I cannot begin to describe the emotion I had as I looked at the name. I had so many questions to ask him.

It all began when Anjali suddenly broke off our engagement.
“Why?” I asked her totally shocked.
“I can’t tell you,” she said.
“You can’t dump me just like this. I’ve not done anything wrong,” I pleaded heartbroken.
“I’m sorry, Rahul. I can’t marry you. I don’t want to marry you.”
“You have to give me an reason. I am not going to accept this.”
“You have to accept it. And don’t delve too much.”
“What do you mean ‘don’t delve too much’, you unscrupulous cheat,” I screamed in anger, taking hold of her collar.
“Cool down,” she said taking off my hands from her. “It’s you who tried to cheat me. You shouldn’t have tried to hide things from me.”
“Hide what?” I asked.
“That you are an adopted child,” she said.
“I’m not adopted,” I shouted in anger again.
“You are.”
“Who told you?”
“We got some matrimonial enquiries done.”
“You spied on me,” I accused her, “to blackmail me, to humiliate me?”
“Don’t worry, no one else knows. It’s a reliable and discreet investigation agency.”
“It’s not true. I’m not adopted,” I said feeling shattered, numb, as if I had been pole-axed.
“Why don’t you ask your parents?” Anjali said as she walked away forever.

I never asked my parents. I did not have the heart to. They did not say anything to me but I could see the sadness and a sense of guilt in their eyes, as they withered away having lost the will to live. I felt helpless. They loved me, meant everything to me, and we carried on our lives as if nothing had happened, and I caringly looked after them till their very end; but deep down I felt terribly betrayed.

Years passed. I relocated abroad past and immersed myself in my work. I tried to forget but I could not. One day I could bear it no longer. I decided to find out. And now I had. The investigation agency had done a good job. Confidential and discreet. For the first time I knew the name of my actual father. My biological and natural father. And now I had to meet this man and ask him why he did it – abandon me to the world.

I landed at Delhi airport early in the morning and it took me three hours by taxi to reach the bungalow in South Extension. I checked the nameplate and briskly walked inside. There was a small crowd gathered in the porch. His lifeless body was lying on a white sheet bedecked with flowers, ready for the last rites. As I looked at his serene face, tears welled in my eyes. Suddenly I lost control of myself and cried uncontrollably, “I have become an orphan. An orphan!”

“Me too,” a familiar voice said softly behind me. I turned around and stared into Anjali’s eyes. As comprehension began to dawn on me, Anjali and I kept looking into each other’s eyes. In silence. A deafening silence.

How to frustrate your Doctor!

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain "Please doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."

MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

DOCTOR: "No, you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

MAN: "Oh! It happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree."'

DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no, you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."

MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts."

DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): "Which one?"

MAN (innocently): "How am I to know? All bees look the same to me."

Ramayana by an NRI

Hey people...i got this amazing version of Ramayana on my email...couldn't resist posting it here...here it is, for you...


A young second generation Indian in the US was asked by his mother to explain the significance of "Diwali" to his younger brother, this is how he went about it...

"So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something... Since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so.. he decided to get his wife and his bro along... you know...so that they could all chill out together. But Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary shit... really man...they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked with darts and bows and arrows... so it was fine.

But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and also his bro, Laxman, pissed..... all the gods were with him... So anyways, you don't mess with gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys.. Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys... just go along with me, ok... ..

So, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his own hood. Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest..and anyways...it gets kinda boring,you know... no TV or malls or shit like that. So,they decided to hitch a ride back home... and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home... they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice... and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days... so they couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit...and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also...so it was pretty cooool... you know with all those fireworks...

Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks...and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding.., that was the very first music-synchronized fireworks... you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started."

A True Friend

"A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!"

- Doug Larson

Stormy Nights Ceased to Exist

“Damn it. God, why it had to happen today?” I murmured to myself. I was waiting for this day for like a month. All plans set for her surprise birthday party and then this bloody car problem. “Sahib, it’s some carbon in the carburetor. It’s gonna take just fifteen minutes to clean-up” the mechanic said forcing me to come out of my thoughts. I thought HE bribed the mechanic to take as long as he can, but with this I discarded those thoughts. “Fine. Just do it. I’ve to leave as soon as possible” I said to him, smoking my cigarette. This was my third one in past half hour. The apprehensions were considerably noticeable, which I realized when he gawked at me with an impish smile, as if he had read the mental turbulence ensuing in my mind. “Ji Sahib. I’ll do it real fast”

With this he buried his head in the car’s bonnet and I started again on the voyage in the ocean of my thoughts. “Had it been for any other girl, I would’ve been court-marshaled. But her serene reaction to the situation, with her ever-so-sugary smile, made me fall for her again. Oh! Gosh, that smile’s gonna kill me some-day. Her smile is so pure, so natural, Nah! She can never do this. But the way her eyes sparkled when she suggested that we should call HIM. And the way she was giggling and laughing all the time she was talking to HIM. What could she mean when she said on the phone, can’t you do this for me. Am I being over-possessive? Why is this feeling of insecurity? May be they are just good friends. A friend would call up a friend only in such a time.”

By this time the thoughts had transformed into an enormous round of questions and answers with my own self. “Boy, was she elated to see him. Did you see the way they were looking at each other? When he said with that bizarre grin on his daft face, he’ll get the car repaired with the mechanic, let’s go to my place; I felt like murdering him then and there. Actually, it was my idiocy also to impel her to go. And now, here I am, standing here fighting with these frivolous thoughts.”

I was visualizing giving HIM third-degree treatments when I was forced once again to come to veracity by the mechanic, who declared like a winner “It’s done Sahib. Please start the car.” I turned on the ignition and the car started with its blissful sound. Never was I happier to start my car. Not even when I started the first car of my life. “Sahib, fifty rupees service charges and hundred rupees night charges” I took out a couple of hundreds and gleefully gave him. “Keep the change and sit in the car. Let me drop you to your garage”

I pressed my left ear hard on the window where they were sitting, trying to overhear their conversation. After dropping the mechanic, I started towards HIS house but instead of knocking on the main door, I chose to be here, at this window. I think my cynicism was to be blamed for such obnoxious act. Suddenly HE asked “are you really serious about him? I mean, are you really in for a long-term relationship with this guy?” More than HIM, I waited for her answer.

She said “Yes, I am. He’s meeting my family next month when he’ll go to invite them over his sister’s wedding. And if everything goes well, I’ll be married to him soon. You know something; I never believed in love till the time I met him. Now I can’t think love AND my life without him.” I was mesmerized.” She continued “nobody on this earth can love me and trust me more than him. NOBODY”. The last sentence made me look at myself in shame. “How can I?”

Stormy nights ceased to exist